Serial Cheaters

The term serial cheater gets thrown around a good bit. Often I think people misuse the term. How do you know if someone qualifies as a serial cheater, and if they do, how can it be handled?

What is a Serial Cheater?

I've searched, but not found an official definition. So I've compiled one by adapting the definition of a serial killer. The standard definition of a serial killer is:

A serial killer is, traditionally, a person who has murdered three or more people over a period of more than a month, with down time (a "cooling off period") between the murders.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serial_killer

My adaption would read:

A serial cheater is a person who has committed acts of marital infidelity--against a person they are bonded to physically and/or emotionally--with three or more people separated by time-gaps between each one.

This would differ from a cheating spree where a person commits infidelity with three or more in rapid succession, or from mass cheating where affairs happen concurrently.

There is a little more gray area, however. When someone is murdered, the fact the victim died is pretty black and white. He either is or he isn't. While the definition of cheating is fairly well held, there are a lot more variations. There are boundaries one can cross that tend to lead to cheating but in and of themselves are not.

I'll use a personal example. I frequently had lunch with a female coworker for a period of time. Neither of us wanted to eat alone. Frequently it would just be me and her at a restaurant.

Strictly speaking, we were crossing a boundary that often leads to cheating. Yet, we never discussed any marital problems, or anything about sex, or ever went any further with the relationship other than being friends who worked together and ate lunch together often. I never cheated, but a third party might have decided we were cheating because so many in that situation easily fall into it.

So even though I have a definition, people could differ about whether a particular person fits this definition based on their understanding of what cheating is.

Why Do We Need to Label People with the Term?

It shouldn't be for the sake of labeling someone, rather to know how to treat and help the unfaithful spouse. There are different types of cheating and the type of solutions that will address it will vary.

One night stand
Prostitution
Online chats, text or video
Phone/chat sex
Sharing photos or other intimate things online
Phone/Skype emotional relationship
Physical, sexual play
Adultery
Multiple affairs
Serial Cheaters

The motivation for serial killers easily applies to serial cheating:

The motivation for serial killing is usually based on psychological gratification. Most of the killings involve sexual contact with the victim, but the FBI states that motives for serial murder include "anger, thrill, financial gain, and attention seeking".
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serial_killer

Let's look at the FBI motives in more detail.

Anger

Anger derives from feeling your "rights" have been violated. What one considers their rights comes from how they were raised, their own experiences, as well as expectations that have developed as they grew up. Often these are informed by parental influence. It derives from the violation of one's sense of righteousness.

In terms of serial cheating, ongoing anger with one's spouse could be prompting a serial cheater to continued cheating. Whenever things aren't going exactly as they'd like, their response to dealing with it is anger, and then lashing back in a passive-aggressive manner by cheating on their spouse. It becomes the means to sooth the anger in them.

If this is the motivation, learning new responses to anger via anger management help can break them out of their cycle of destructive response patterns.

Thrill

There are several types of thrills that could fall under this motivation. In all cases, it involves a person succumbing to the temptation of an addictive thrill, and repeating it enough until it becomes a psychological addiction. Following are three of the common thrills.

The "new relationship" thrill is well documented. Otherwise known  as infatuation. Often mistaken for "true love," given time the excitement dies off, and the serial cheater becomes vulnerable to the next opportunity when "chemistry" shoots the thrill-factor red-lining again. Then it's onto the next person that provides that thrill.

Another common thrill is the sexual thrill. Often, especially men, the serial cheater is addicted to getting the next sexual high. The longer they have sex with someone, like their spouse, the more "ho hum" it becomes. Due to the Coolidge Effect, a new sexual partner can provide a sexual high that the long-time partner can't hope to compete with. Someone addicted to this thrill will always need a new partner if they hope to get the sexual high they crave.

Some serial cheaters are addicted to the sense of power provided by the affair. One, the desire, and often manipulation of the affair partner to keep them on the hook. Two, the power over their spouse based upon pulling off an affair behind their backs. The thrill of secrecy gives the serial cheater a sense of power over their spouse who is kept in the dark. Knowledge is power. To get away with it without being caught provides its own sense of superiority.

The solution in this case will require extensive help to break the addictive pattern, establish boundaries, manage temptations, and restructure one's thinking patterns and life to find alternate means of satisfaction.

Financial Gain

For cheating, the most obvious financial gain is prostitution or the porn industry. A popular motivation for women, but affecting many men as well. Selling one's body and getting paid for it can fuel continued cheating for a spouse desiring that money.

But that isn't the only way. Some people seek out affairs, especially with a person who has some disposable income, in order to get financial help from them. They've discovered that when someone is deep in infatuation, they will "loan" money more readily, or flat out give it away for a perceived need. The affair partner will buy them things, take them out to eat, and lavish other gifts, often without asking.

Serial cheating in this case can also be long cheating sprees and/or mass cheating. The more they can juggle, the more money they can get. The solution to heal this type of cheating is a reordering of priorities, and learning how to adequately take care of financial needs through legitimate means.

Attention Seeking

This one is a bigger factor in serial cheating than it is in serial murders. Even non-serial cheating often starts with this desire. Based upon a low self-esteem, such people find the interest and desire of others for them exhilarating. It could be listed as another type of thrill mentioned above.

Such a serial cheater craves the affirmation of others that they are worth something. To have someone admire their body, pursue them, thus indicating that they can sexually attract someone, is affirming to their self-worth. The spouse's affirmation is often insufficient because they have been that way for maybe several years. It is old news. However, the continual stream of new people who find them desirable is exciting.

The end result of frequent flirting and encouraging this type of relationship with people is some are going to take the flirter up on it. Not only is someone saying they want the flirter, but they are ready to do it with them. It creates a more intense attention-seeking response from the cheater, making an affair hard to resist and inevitable. If you play with fire, you will eventually get burned.

The route to healing this type of serial cheating is through building a stronger self-esteem, establishing firm relationship boundaries, and seeing the need for attention as a negative impact upon their life and desire to change that thinking pattern with help.

Not All Cheaters are Serial Cheaters

Some people sling the label "serial cheater" around too freely. There are two dangers to doing so.

One, the diagnosis of a stranger on the Internet based upon little information can label someone in such a way they don't believe there is hope for themselves. Someone who has cheated once, or even twice, doesn't fit the profile of a serial cheater as defined here. I'd also include multiple on-line emotional affairs grouped into a limited time period as not being a serial cheater. It might classify them as having had a cheating spree, but not necessarily serial. But I often hear someone labeled as a serial cheater because they cheated twice, often with the same affair partner.

Two, even if the label applies, its use can denote to the cheater that their situation is hopeless. A serial cheater is just who they are, so they might as well go with the flow. Many of them have given up fighting it a long time ago if it has been chronic. The label confirms in their mind that they are hopeless, so why even try to do something about it?

If the label applies, they need to realize they can change. With a lot of work and dedication, they can break out of the serial pattern of behavior if they seek out help and dedicate themselves to the process.

If the label doesn't apply, applying it can cause someone who isn't one yet to become one by giving up and accepting the meaning of the label as who they are.

While one can talk about serial cheating in general as I've done here--to help someone realize they need to get serious help--it is best to leave the diagnosis of specific individuals to qualified therapists and psychologist. It is too risky to become responsible for contributing to someone's lack of healing through applying defining labels that do little to help the other person.

How would you define serial cheating?

Fogville

If you read up on infidelity and frequent support forums, you're bound to run into the concept of the affair fog. There are plenty of misconceptions about the fog from both hurt spouses and unfaithful spouses. Some believe it doesn't exist, others think it is an excuse for cheating.

What's the truth? Allow me to take a more in-depth look at the subject.

What is the Fog?

The fog is used as an analogy or metaphor for a mental state a person sinks into when their desire for something blinds them against any reasons not to seek it. Like someone in a thick fog, all they can see is what they want, and the only reasons they see are those that justify obtaining it.

We all experience this dynamic in our lives. When I was 9 years old, I had received a record player for Christmas. One of my favorite bands was the Monkees, and my favorite song, "I'm a Believer."

I'm dating myself now, but back then cereal boxes had singles you could cut off the back of the box and play on a record player. Finally, after waiting for a long time, a new box of Honey Comb had my song on the back. Only problem is Mom had a rule. You couldn't get the prize until the whole box of cereal had been eaten.

I wanted that song so bad, I single-handedly ate the whole box of cereal in one sitting. It was hard stuffing the last couple of bowls into my stomach, but the goal was in sight. I finished the box, cut out the record, only to discover the record was scratched.

Then the consequences I had not seen due to my foggy mindset hit me. It became obvious when Mom took me and my brothers to get ice cream cones. I didn't want any because my stomach was churning. She wondered about me, but not for long. Because it all came up in Exorcist style on the restaurant floor.

 When our desire for something gets strong enough, our mind has a way of helping us to justify getting it, no matter how illogical, illegal, or who it will hurt. All arguments as to why we shouldn't get it become ineffective. The stronger the desire, the more true this is.

The Affair Fog

Due to the addictive qualities of many affairs, those in an affair tend to be deep in this fog. Even if they have no intention of leaving their spouse or hurting them, the reality that their actions will do just that is ignored. In the back of their minds, they know this is the case, but the desire for what they want is so strong such concerns are about as relevant to them as what a bird is eating on the other side of the world.

I've seen this happen multiple times on the forum unfaithful spouses visit to seek support. Someone comes there either about to have an affair or in the very beginning of one. The more experienced who have been where this person is, attempts to warn them of the pain down that road. How much it will hurt their spouse, their family, their affair partner, and themselves, describing their experience.

What happens?

Rare is the person in that situation who says, "Oh man, you are all right! What on earth did I think I was doing? This is stupid. I'm dumping him today." Instead, they will ignore all that and justify their need to do what they want. They may demonize their spouse. Or feel their spouse will never find out. Or no one will get hurt, that they are the exception to all the horror stories. Or, they feel the "love" (that is, strong desire for their affair partner) is so good any cost will be worth it.

I've seen this time and time again. Logic won't sway them. The warnings from those who've been through it before fall on deaf ears. Only in the aftermath do they discover all the warnings were right. Then it is too late.

The Invisible Fog

The interesting factoid is how when people are in foggy thinking mode, they don't realize that is what is going on. They are blind to the fact that they aren't perceiving the whole picture. It isn't until they are extracted from that mindset that they can see their reasoning ability was impaired by their desire.

My wife experienced this. Now, over three years after I discovered the affair, she looks back at what she did during those months and is not just disgusted and greatly sad at what she did, but can't hardly believed she did it. On this side of the fence, she sees it as one of, if not the most stupidest, series of decisions and actions she's ever committed. At the time, however, it all felt logical, justified, and any thoughts of consequences were ignored or dismissed.

It is this aspect which makes the fog so hard to break through. Reality has been altered into a fantasy holodeck-life. Immersed in it, the unfaithful spouse sees it as the reality. Attempts to convince them otherwise is like telling someone the life they are living is a fake and giving them the choice of pills to take to wake up or not, like in the Matrix.

The Thinning Fog

Another truth about the fog is that it isn't something that usually vanishes all in one brief moment. Rather it gradually thins out over several months or years. Sometimes, the fog stays in areas like settling into the low valleys among hills. For some areas, the fog may stay firmly ensconced for years, or a lifetime.

On discovery day, the fog thinned out for Lenita a good bit. Enough that she desired to heal our relationship and was immediately willing to do the hard things to accomplish it.

However, it took about three months before she was defogged enough to start feeling the guilt. The fog hides the guilt, because guilt of what they are doing to their spouse and family would prevent them from getting what they're desiring. It took about that long before she decided to get rid of all memorabilia of her affair partners. It took almost two years before she began to feel anger at her first affair partner and call what he and her were doing as evil. Not just think it, but feel it.

Another key area this is seen is in the tell/don't tell debate among unfaithful spouses who haven't been caught, even among those who's affair is over. Some of them believe they are no longer in the fog because they can see the thick foggy thinking they've left behind, but not realizing they're not totally out of the woods.

Despite the very compelling and logical reasons to tell, the unfaithful spouse is so driven to avoid the pain of facing the full consequences of their actions that they ignore those realities and justify not telling usually by suggesting it will "unnecessarily" hurt the spouse to do so, or that their spouse will leave them.

The main logical reason? Simply put, hurt spouses say their are two reasons that learning of an affair hurts them and the relationship. One, obviously, is the betrayal of love and trust by becoming intimate with another. The second, and often listed as the worst of the two, is the deception.

I can vouch for that. As I stated in our book, I felt a real loss to know that she was having sex with another man, something she'd never done in her life. I was her only lover in life, and she is the only one I've had.

With that as a given, the one thing that really shook me was how she could do what she did, not feel guilty about it, act like everything was normal, and that she was devoted to me. I didn't think she was capable of that kind of deception. That shook my trust and ability to rebuild it more than any other aspect. I stood over our bed, watching her sleep, and wondered how she could sleep knowing what she was doing. She had become a stranger I didn't know.

While discovering the affair itself was bad enough, the deception compounded it greatly. Blessed is the hurt spouse whose unfaithful spouse has the courage to confess rather than let them discover it themselves and struggle to find out what happened.

But the fact that the affair has already hurt the spouse and marriage, and healing it can only happen when they are aware of it, or that keeping that information is a way to control the hurt spouse who deserves to know so they can make their own decisions is pushed aside due to foggy thinking, even when they believe they are out of the fog.

If the hurt spouse doesn't know, it is highly unlikely that the fog is gone. There will always be a reason one can find to not do the right thing. I know, confessing is a hard thing to do. No one likes to tell on themselves. No one likes to confront the consequences of their actions, and experience the pain in another you know you've caused. But that doesn't justify continued deception, continued hurting of your spouse.

Foggy Excuses?

Some suggest that there is no such thing as the fog. That it is an invention to make excuses for the unfaithful spouse's infidelity.

It is true some unfaithful or even hurt spouses may use it in that manner. But such thinking is a fallacy. So dismissing it on those grounds is a fallacy.

The reality that strong desires for something can cause one's mind to block all feelings, logic, and arguments against getting it, and accept all justifications to do so is well documented. Prolonged exposure to giving into one's desires in that fashion ingrains the false reality in the mind, forming an addiction. So a drug addict will rob and kill to get their next fix, or a gambling addict will risk their life savings, mortgage, and the kids college funds to gamble.

The fallacy is in believing the fog let's the unfaithful spouse off the hook. That they couldn't help it. That if they were magically transported back to before the affair started, knowing what they know now, they would still have the affair because they can't change due to the fog.

This isn't true. It is still the unfaithful spouse who fed that desire, who waded into the quicksand, who justified crossing boundaries they should have known better than to do so. No matter the pull of one's desires, one can always say "no." I'm not saying it is easy, but it is within each person, even in the middle of the fog, to recognize they are not thinking right, and turn against the demand of their desires.

Animals have no choice. Humans always do. They do not need to be enslaved to their desires and the fog like an animal. They can avoid it, or acknowledge their wrong thinking and purposefully exit the fog. We have the ability to ignore our desires when they are destructive, and do what we know is best for those we love, not just ourselves.

How to Get Out of the Fog?

Three main steps.

One, confess. To both God and the one you've hurt. Facing the full consequences of your actions will go far in heading one out of the fog. Nothing destroys fantasy land and fogville faster than bringing it all into the light.

Two, take responsibility. Be honest about what happened. Agree to discuss it as needed, and face the sin head on. This, in addition to the first, will shatter the fog's illusion.

Three, repent. That means more than feeling sorry for what happened, or saying you're sorry. It includes actions that take effective measures to address why you gave into the temptations, and ensure that it won't happen again. Focusing on addressing the sin will continue to counter the fog until your desires give up.

In short, you're taking responsibility for which mindset you feed. The more you feed your desires without restriction, the stronger they are and the thicker the fog it creates will be. Starve them and feed desires for the good things in your life, the stronger you'll be against the affair fog.

When have you experienced a desire so bad you ignored warning against fulfilling them?